


The Night the Lighthouse Came Back On

by mistercromeans



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Exhaustion, Gay JJ (Outer Banks), JJ is helplessly in love with a boy who isn’t there anymore, M/M, Reckless Behavior, Sad JJ (Outer Banks)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:20:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25706560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistercromeans/pseuds/mistercromeans
Summary: John B has been gone for weeks, and JJ has been struggling to handle it. Plagued by an irrational reoccurring dream of his presumed dead best friend, exhaustion will finally get to him, and push him over the edge.
Relationships: JJ/John B. Routledge
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	The Night the Lighthouse Came Back On

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! I wrote a sad little drabble. Written in JJ’s POV, about John B!!
> 
> enjoy :D

I keep having this dream.

The sun is setting over the waters. I've looked over a million times now. I'm sitting in the sand and watching each wave crash over the shore, leaving behind its kisses of foam and bubbles. The water never touches me. I can feel the grains of sand digging into my palms where I sit, leaning back on them, trusting them to hold my weight. 

You’re here too. You’re sitting next to me, your own eyes focused over the water, on the setting sun that makes you look golden. The way that your tanned skin reflects the sun's rays makes you look ethereal. I can't take my eyes off of you, and where I'd normally care, I can’t find it in myself to right now. You don’t care that I’m staring either. You return my gaze, and smile that warm, perfect smile at me. I can feel a grin tug at my own lips, and butterflies fill my stomach, just as they always have when you look at me — not that you would know that, or anyone. 

The look you have is different. Your eyes’ expression is soft, pupils wide despite the sun being so present still. There’s a red across your face that I know doesn’t come from the heat outside. In this dream, you’re safe. The apples of your cheeks are unscathed, your under eyes aren't bruised, and your soft lips remain unbusted. You aren’t riddled with cuts and scrapes and you aren’t dusted over with yellowing and fresh bruises. You are safe. You are okay. 

“I think I want to stay here.” You tell me. Your voice is soothing, and calm. It’s beautiful to hear. You start to move closer to me. 

“I want you to stay here too.” Is all I can manage to say. 

The words leave me before I’m out of breath over what you do. You keep getting closer, and I raise one hand to dust off the sand on my shorts before it raises to cup one of your cheeks. Your skin is warm. You lean in more, and I’m closing the gap. I can feel our noses touch. 

I close my eyes in the dream, and our lips never meet. I open them again to a pitch black room, the only light coming in from the poorly shuddered window on the opposite wall. There’s a tight ache in my chest, and hot tears are rolling down my cheek and my jaw, dripping onto the bed from right under my ear. The reality sets in that you won’t be sitting with me on the shoreline. 

I don’t remember how long it’s been since you’ve been gone, but that’s just it. You’re gone, and I’m getting restless sleep on your side of the bed. I haven’t slept longer than 4 hours for weeks. 

The streak continues as I pick up my phone to check and see what time it is. 4:32am. I got a solid three and a half hours tonight, and there isn’t any way in hell I'm gonna be getting back to sleep today, not that I see a reason to anyway. So instead, I sent out a few texts, looking for a few jobs to pick up to make the day go by faster. Working is the only thing keeping me from drinking myself to a stupor in an attempt to numb out the pain in my chest that hasn’t gone away since the night the lighthouse came back on. That feeling I got when they told me that they lost you, that they couldn’t find you. 

In movies, the childhood best friends always end up together in the end. They fall into each other's arms at their times of deep despair and pain. I tried to do that for you, and I hope you know that. I did everything that I could think of to be there for you when your dad disappeared. I never wanted to leave you alone. I didn’t want you to feel alone. I wanted to help you be happy again, for you. In those same movies, they become inseparable, but I don’t get that. In those same movies they get to hold their worlds in the palm of their hands, but my world is gone. My world was ripped out from under me, and I don’t think I’ll ever see him again. 

By the time I'm able to stop thinking, it’s daylight outside. I have 6 responses for work jobs for today, so I pick three of them to work, and get out of bed to get myself dressed. If I'm working, I'm not thinking. If i’m not thinking, I’m okay. Work is exhausting, though, and it only adds onto the exhaustion I feel from not getting enough sleep at night. 3 hours of sleep for 12 hours of manual labor isn’t exactly a fair trade, but “fair” doesn’t exist with me. 

Which is why my distraction has to come to a bitter halt. 

I had been at my first job for no more than an hour, before it got called off. A storm no one was expecting is actually gonna roll through here, and you can’t do lawn work in the rain. So we all packed back up, and went home. 

I get to thinking on my way back home, to the last time we had a day off to enjoy because of some bad rain. We had gone outside, not in the boat, just your front yard. We both laid on the grass and we talked. All we did was talk about what we wanted to do, where we wanted to go, and how we both wanted to get out of the Outer Banks. 

You told me you wanted to help people. Find a way to use your knowledge and history buffing to teach people, or crack mysteries. You even talked about becoming a detective. I don’t even know if you were serious, but it was nice to hear. I told you that I just wanted to leave. Maybe start my own business fixing things for people until I can get more situated. I talked about making something of my name that wasn’t tagged onto my dad. That was baggage I didn’t want anymore. 

I told you I wanted to settle down one day, too. To be myself and be open and happy and all of that cheesy shit, and you said you wanted that too. I don’t think you knew what I meant, though. And that’s okay. I never told you, and I don’t think I ever could, if you somehow came back. I’d be too afraid to lose you again. 

I told you that I didn’t want you to be gone in my future. You told me that would never happen. You said that you’ll be wherever I am, and I said I’d go wherever you went. You smiled at that, that same wide-pupiled smile with your red cheeks that I can't stop dreaming about.

There’s a little bit of hope inside of me that you’ll come back one day. I hope that you come back. Maybe tonight you will. 

The rain would be a perfect coverup for you sneaking back in if you’re careful. 

Despite the migraine in my head that’s making my ears ring, and despite the fact my legs feel 30 pounds heavier than they are, I find myself walking in the now pouring rain, far out past some of the shorelines to get to one of the many cliffsides. One that’s tall, out of reach from the lighthouses’ light. I walk myself over to the edge, and I sit down.

I really didn’t mean to fall in love with you. There isn’t a day that goes by where I wish I was normal, and could stand to see you fall to the arms of a girl's soft heart so easily. Where I wasn’t heartbroken each time you talked about how beautiful she was. I didn’t want to fall in love with you, but I did so long ago, and I can’t bring myself to get over you. I don’t think that I ever could anyway. 

I’m watching the blankets of rain pour over angry waves. There’s no sign of you yet, and it’s getting hard to see through the water falling into my eyes. I’m shaking because I'm freezing and soaked, but I don’t move. My arms hug around myself. 

The thunder is loud but the lightning is louder. None of it is soothing. My eyes close in an attempt to shut some of the water out, and to try and stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks again. But it doesn’t work. I can't stop crying anymore and it hurts to even try. No one can hear me. Just myself. So I stop trying to stop it, and for the first time in weeks, I finally let those heart wrenching sobs leave me. 

You aren’t coming back. You’re gone, and you aren’t coming back.

The migraine only worsens, but with my eyes closed, my head relaxes enough. I can see those blurry after images of you, just like the ones I dream of. I keep my eyes closed. The longer they stay closed, the clearer the images get, until I can finally make out the details of your face. 

You’re standing in front of me. You have your arms out.  
Your eye is busted, and your cheek is bruised. You have blood on your shirt and your hair is soaking wet. I can feel my body moving itself forward. I want to get closer to you. I need to be closer to you. I need to hold you. 

As I get closer, everything gets lighter. My body feels like it’s flying. 

I get close enough to throw my arms around you. You hug me back. You keep telling me to hold my breath, and I do. I hold it as long as I can before everything starts to fade black around me. Then I see nothing. 

I feel nothing but the freezing cold of water surrounding me. I know my eyes are open, but all it does is burn. I close them again, and I don’t open them this time.

I really will follow you wherever you decide to go, even if it means falling into the ferocious waters below.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! To clarify; no, JJ isn’t dead and no he didn’t kill himself. He quite literally passed out at the cliffside, and took a nose dive into the water. 
> 
> I’ll probably post more things like this!! thank you again for reading <3


End file.
